The wit, wisdom, zen, and philosophy of Paul Diamond Blow.

Alternative Language for Swear and Cuss Words
Clean Your Cussin' Mouth Out with These Handy Alternatives to Swearin' and Cussin' ! (Rated G)

by Paul Diamond Blow

Why is it that whenever I go out on the town, watch a movie, or just walk down the street I hear all sorts of people cussing and swearing up a storm as a part of daily conversation? Since when did it become acceptable for 12 year olds to say, "(censored) that (censored) up, yo dawg!" and nobody gives them a dress down? I remember a time when on network TV the only cuss words to make it on the air were "damn" and "hell"... every other cuss word was bleeped out and sometimes they actually overdubbed the cuss and swear words with humorous alternatives, and that is what I would like to do here -- list some humorous yet still powerful words that can be used instead of profanity. Consider this a community service of mine, as I attempt to clean up the offensive trash talk and bring some much-needed creativity into today's conversations. Without further ado, here are my alternative words fand phrases or the most offensive swear and cuss words. Read on, you goshdarned foul mouthed barbarians, read on!!!

the "F" word
The "F-word" or "F-bomb" is the most overused cuss word in society today. To tell the truth, when I hear someone use the F-word I automatically think "uncultured swine." "Freak" is a great substitue for the "f" word. You say it like this: "Freak this crap, man, I've had enough!" Or, "Freak you, you mother freaker!" Or, "That was freakin' fantastic, man! Whoah, dude, freakin' A!" Or just plain "FREAK!"

the "S" word
There are many good substitues for the "s" word, here are my favorites: Crud, crap, crapola, stuff, shiznit. "Stuff happens, man." "Oh crud, what a crappy day I've had!" "Oh shizinit, can you please cut the crapola, please?"

the "B" word
I remember once upon a time when the "b-word" (meaning "female dog") was not allowed on the radio or television and it was always censored out like this: "You son of a BEEEEEEEEP!" This is another cuss word that is overused in today's society, especially by today's youth who use it as an insult. Now, I personally find the word highly offensive to women and being a lover of women it offends me greatly. The word should really only be used when talking about dogs, and here are some other "b-words" that I suggest be used in it's place as far as insults go: beaver, buckaroo, beanbag, boob... let's try it: "You son of a buckaroo, oh yeah, what a stupid boob you are!" And how about some creative words that don't start with the letter "b" --"You son of a sea slug, what a bloody boob you are, ya stinking filthy inch worm!"

Thou Shalt Not Use the Name of the Lord God in vain
That's one of the ten commandments, actually. I don't mean to get preachy here, but as a born and raised Catholic who spent 12 years in Catholic schools I was taught not to use the name of God or Jesus Christ as a swear word or as an expression. I always wondered how it came to be so popular and accepted in society to use "God" as an expression in daily conversation, and why do you never hear people say "Bhudda", "Mohammed" or "Krishna" as expressions? Anyway, most people of faith are offended by this and instead of using "God" as a swear word or expression, there's always the stand by "gosh", but to get more creative why not use the name of a famous person instead? Here are a few examples: "Oh, Elvis Presley, what a day it's been!" "For the love of Pamela Anderson, please cut that out!" "Oh, my Abraham Lincoln! Is that real? Oh, my Lincoln! Oh, my Lincoln! Oh my Lincoln!" And if you insist on using J.C. as an expression, why not say Jacques Coustea (the famous French sea explorer) instead? "Oh, Jacques Coustea, what a freaking day! Jacques H. Coustea! I can't freaking believe it..." You catch my drift...

Following my suggestions for cuss word alternatives, here's what a conversation in today's society might sound like:

"Hey Fred, what's up?"
"Jacques H. Coustea!! Is that you, Tom?"
"Freaking right, you son of a toad! How's it been? How's my buckaroo?"
"Oh my Presley, well let me tell you the crapola day I've been having, you filthy sea slug. I mean, freaking A, I've had so much shiznit happen today it's not even freaking funny."
"Crud! Sorry to hear that, you slime sucking fart sack! Say, want to get the freak out of here and get a freaking beer?"
"Oh, Pamela Anderson, a freaking beer would be freaking fantastic! Let's do it..."

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