The Exorcism of Myspace is based on a series of events that actually happened in the year 2006, as documented in the following Myspace bulletins posted by Paul Ace Diamond "Huggy" Blow. This is a true story of one man's fight against the forces of evil. WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!

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SEPT. 26 3:27 P.M.

Things have been getting weird ever since my myspace friends list reached 665 friends... one shy of the devils number. Freakin' Satanists have infiltrated my friends list -- sending me weird messages like "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to $&*! you." ... I turned on the radio this morning and the song playing was Iron maiden "number of the Beast." I could've sworn I had it tuned in to the smooth jazz station last night... I got on the bus today and the driver gave me a strange smile. I quickly got off the bus... he was one of them-- a freakin' satanist.

I feel like Rosemary's baby. They want my soul, I can feel it. But they'll never get it... I WILL NOT JOIN THE DARK SIDE!! Freakin' satanists...

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SEPT. 26 7:37 P.M.

Ever since my friends list hit the 666 mark, weird things have been happening, as you may have read in my previous bulletins. Freaky psycho satanists are trying to get my soul. It's my belief that myspace has been infiltrated and possessed by evil spirits, and only an exorcism can save it.

With my 12-years of Catholic schooling, my Diamond Fist kung fu, my tai chi, and my years of training in Shaolin Temple to become a Shaolin Priest, I will perform an online exorcism of myspace TONIGHT at midnight, armed only with the spiritual weapons of Love and Rock'n'roll... because as you know Paul Stanley said, "God gave Rocknroll to you."

Wish me luck... it could get hairy.

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SEPT. 27, 12:13 A.M.

Friends, an evil has descended upon our myspace.

Ever since my friends list hit the 666 mark, weird things have been happening, as you may have read in my previous bulletins. Bus drivers have been giving me strange looks, Iron Maiden has been playing on smooth jazz radio, freaky psycho satanists have trying to steal my soul... It's my belief that myspace has been infiltrated and possessed by evil spirits, and only an exorcism can save it. Think about it... the weird "five word" bulletins, the endless "maintnance" and error messages, the appearance of nu metal bands... all the signs of demonic possession. It is time for a cleansing, and the hour is at hand.

With my 12-years of Catholic schooling, my Diamond Fist kung fu, my tai chi, and my years of training in Shaolin Temple to become a Shaolin Priest, I will NOW perform an online exorcism of myspace , armed only with the spiritual weapons of Love and Rock'n'roll...

LET THE EXORCISM BEGIN.....

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I, PAUL DIAMOND BLOW, CHILD OF THE LIGHT, am here to confront the evil that has infested myspace, and to cleanse myspace of its presence. MYSPACE DEMON, SHOW THYSELF!!!

WHO DARES INTERRUPT MY PERSONAL REFLECTION PERIOD? AHHH, PAUL DIAMOND BLOW, IT IS YOU.

Indeed so, demon. I am here to send you back to from whence you came.

MORTAL FOOL! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME! I WILL SEND MY FIERCEST MYSPACE DEMON MINIONS TO DESTROY YOU... BEETLEJUICE, ZEHDROV, TILA TEQUILA...

They no longer serve you, dark fiend. I exorcised them earlier today.

BAAAAAHHH!! PAUL DIAMOND BLOW, YOUR PIRATE PIC LOOKS GAY!

Mock me all you want, foul being. My kung fu is strong...

EL BORACHO! AUCH DU LIEBER SEIT! ICHI NI SAN SHI

The beast speaks in tongues... indeed it is a sign of possession. EVIL BEING, WHAT IS YOUR NAME???!!

ENGELBERT HUMPERDINK!!!

LIAR! Trickster!! Deceiver!! Lover of Nu Metal!!! WHAT IS YOUR NAME, DEMON??!!!

OUR NAME IS TOM, FOR WE ARE MYSPACE!! RRRRAAAAAAAGGGGH!!!

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(vomit flies, narrowly missing PDB)

FOUL BEING!! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, I AM DELETING YOU FROM MYSPACE!!!

faaaaaaaartttt SPLEEEEWWWGGGGGEEEEEEEIIII SPLAT!!

Auggghhh! YOUR DIARRHEA IS PUTRID AND NASTY, DEMON...!!

CORN? FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER EATING CORN.... HAHAHAHAHAHA

Demon, prepare to return to hell!!!!

PAUL DIAMOND BLOW, YOU LOOK LIKE BOY GEORGE IN GREEN EYELINER! HAHAHAHAHA

Filthy beast -- ENOUGH!!

BOY GEORGE (deleted by censors) IN ENGLAND! HAHAHAHAHA

True... it is true... BEAST! FOUL ONE! LOVER OF SPAM -- I CAST YOU OUT OF MYSPACE IN THE NAME OF ROCK'N'ROLL! AS PAUL STANLEY SAID, GOD GAVE ROCK'N'ROLL TO YOU!!

(PDB turns on boombox playing "God Gave Rock'n'roll To You" by KISS...)

PAUL STANLEY IS A FLAMER! HAHAHAHAHA! RRRRRAAAAGGGHHHHH!

BE GONE, DEMON! BE GONE, COOKIE MONSTER VOCALS!! LEAVE THIS MYSPACE AT ONCE!

spplllllewwdddg... PUT ON YOUR RED SHOES AND DANCE WITH ME... HAHAHAHA

THE POWER OF ROCK'N'ROLL COMPELS YOU, DEMON! CEASE AND DESIST! BE GONE!

AAAUUUGHH HA HAHAHAHA... NEVER! MYSPACE BELONGS TO EVIL NOW! WE HAVE SYSTEM OF A DOWN VIDEOS! HAHAHAHAHA

BLASPHEMER! BE GONE! I CAST YOU OUT OF MYSPACE! THE POWER OF ROCK COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF ROCK COMPELS YOU!!

aaaaauggghhhh N-N-NOOOOOOO!!! SPLLEEEWWWLLLDGGGE SPLAT GENE SIMMONS IS A (deleted by censors), HAHAHAHAHAHA

THE POWER OF ROCK COMPELS YOU!

RAWWRRRR--- ICE ICE BABY! ICE ICE BABY!! HAHAHAHAHA RAAAAGHKK

THE POWER OF ROCK COMPELS YOU!

RRRAAAAGGGHHHHH SPPLLAAATTT! VOMIT--IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER... HAHAHAHA RRAAGH

Ugh... 7-Eleven Big Bite hot dogs with cheese sauce... gross. Twelve years of Catholic schools didn't prepare me for this... Demon, have a taste of DIAMOND FIST KUNG FU... FEEL THE LOVE!!

(PDB releases Tai Chi energy ball)

RRRAAAAGGGHHHHH!! IT BURNS LIKE FIRE... ARGGGGHKKK!

THE POWER OF ROCK COMPELS YOU!
THE POWER OF ROCK COMPELS YOU!

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"THE POWER OF ROCK COMPELS YOU!

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N-N-N-NOOO! RRRRAAAWWWRRR!!!!

THE POWER OF ROCK COMPELS YOU!!!

AAAAAAAHHDHHDHDGGDGDGGKALZZZZZ! SERVER TOO BUSY! SERVER TOO BUSY!!!

THE POWER OF ROCK COMPELS YOU!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! SERVER TOO BUSY..... AAAAAuugghhhhh..... nnn

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(silence)

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SEPT. 27 1:00 a.m.

Ladies and gentlemen... friends...
The house is clear.
I repeat -- myspace is CLEAR.
The exorcism is complete.
You may now safely return to your surveys...
-PDB

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The Exorcism of Myspace --coming soon to theatres. Based on a true story.


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