The wit, wisdom, zen, and philosophy of Paul Diamond Blow.

The Top Ten Female Musicians/Artists of All Time

by Paul Diamond Blow

Who are the top ten female musicians/artists of all time? To make my list a woman must have more than just good looks or talent; a woman must possess a unique style, pizzazz, and must have a coolness that ordinary women simply do not possess. (And being a hottie does not hurt.) So, no — you will NOT find Lady Gaga anywhere on my list. Without further ado, here are my picks: the top ten female musicians/artists of all time...

10) Dolly Parton
I wanted to include a country singer on my list, and Dolly Parton’s breasts alone would make my top ten, not to mention her fabulous blonde wigs which I have long admired. Besides that, Dolly also possesses an amazing voice and sheer talent, and her Islands in the Stream duet with Kenny Rogers is the stuff of legend. Dolly’s sweet, succulent breasts, her sweet, succulent hair, and her sweet, succulent voice combined put her on top of the country heap and on my list.

9) Lydia Lunch
What can you say about Lydia Lunch? She’s a poet, a writer, a musician, a photographer, and she was a real cutie back in the day... helles belles, she’s done everything except pose nude for Playboy Magazine. A true artist, Lydia Lunch is a woman after my own heart and makes it on my list.

8) Patti Smith
While I’ve never really been a fan of Patti Smith’s music per se, I must bow down and pay homage since not only is she is known as being the “Godmother of Punk,” but Patti Smith is an artist in the purest sense of the word: a poet, a musician, a singer/songwriter, a beatnik, and the closest thing to a female version of Joey Ramone New York has to offer. Now that’s rad!

7) Wendy O. Williams
Wendy O. Williams — probably the sexiest, sleaziest, and most outrageous woman on my list — fronted the super-cool punk/metal band The Plasmatics back in the 1980s and regularly smashed TV sets, blew up cars, and chainsawed guitars in half as part of the stage show, all the while dressed in nothing but a leather G-string and electrical tape. And let’s not forget the mohawk... Now that’s performance art!

6) Pat Benatar
Pat Benatar was the shizzit back in the 1980s: a sexy-hot, hard rockin’ solo artist who won four consecutive Grammy Awards from 1980-1983. I must admit, I wanted to include Chrissie Hynde on my top ten list, and when I put “Pat Benatar vs. Chrissie Hynde” to a Facebook vote Chrissie won hands down, but in the end what it all came down to was “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” a song that makes me break out in a kung fu frenzy every time I hear it played on the radio, and that’s enough to give Benatar the edge and put her on my list. (Sorry, Chrissie!)

5) Janis Joplin
I am required by law to include Janis Joplin on my “top ten female musicians” list, but I don’t mind since Janis was an amazing performer and song writer, a rough ’n’ tumble, hard drinking, hard living, female bluesy singer/rocker, and she is also my all time favorite ’60s hippie chick. She was also one of the first rock stars to die at the age of 27, which adds to her street cred and her coolness rating.

4) Lita Ford
Lita Ford got her start as guitarist for the Runaways — which in itself is enough to put her on my list — but even more impressive is the fact that she was one of the first and few female rockers to make it big in the heavy metal genre, a “macho” genre that at the time was dominated by long-haired, spandex-wearing, cosmetics-loving dudes. Helles belles, Lita Ford had bigger balls than most of the dudes in the 1980’s metal scene. ’Nuff said.

3) Cher
Look up the word “Diva” in the dictionary and it will have a picture of Cher, or at least it should. As a singer and diva Cher makes Lady Gaga look like trailer trash. Of course, Cher is much more than a pop singer: she is also an accomplished actor, record producer, TV personality, and movie director. Cher is a genuine superstar, and I must confess that as a kid growing up I lusted after her whenever I watched the Sonny and Cher show, even though I was too young to understand the stirring in my loins that she caused me.

2) Tina Turner
Tina Turner had the hottest legs in show business as well as a dynamic voice, super cool hair (a wig?), and a dynamic stage presence, plus she was a totally hot rocking babe in the movie Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. I’ve long admired Tina Turner as a singer and performer, but even more impressive is how she persevered even after a long, abusive relationship with woman-beater/coke addict Ike Turner. Indeed, Tina is a woman of strength and an inspiration to us all. But comon... the gams on this dame just can’t be beat. It’s all about the gams.

1) Joan Jett
I consider Joan Jett to be the female version of myself: she is ultra-cool, has rad black hair, looks great in black leather, plays a mean guitar, sings real nasty, has played in super-cool bands, and is a totally hot, righteous babe. Joan Jett exudes a spiritual sexuality that transcends gender, and her extreme coolness on stage and off has inspired more prepubescent females (of all ages) to don guitars and rock than any man or woman alive. And that, my friends, puts Joan Jett on top of the heap and makes her my Numero Uno: the coolest female musician/artist of all time, according to me, Paul Diamond Blow.

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