Paul Diamond Blow's Huggy Talk
The wit, wisdom, zen, and philosophy of Paul Diamond Blow.

Gifts that SUCK
The World’s Worst, Suckiest Christmas Presents

by Paul Ace Diamond "Huggy" Blow

The Christmas season is upon us once again, and millions of consumers are online trying to find Christmas gift ideas for friends and family members. There are tons of “best Christmas gifts” articles on the internet—I know, I’ve written a few myself—but what also could be useful is a list of gifts that should not be given at Christmas—or birthdays, or Bar Mitzvahs, or whatever. I have given some of these items on my list as Christmas presents myself, and believe me, they were not appreciated. I learned my lesson and now you can learn from me, so without further ado, here is my list of the worst Christmas gifts that you should definitely not give to any of your friends or family members under any circumstances. Because they suck.

1) Ultra Slim Fast
I gotta say, I actually like the Ultra Slim Fast mix—it tastes good, contains plenty of fiber, and is loaded with vitamins. It comes in handy when you’re in a hurry and don’t have time to make a proper breakfast or other meal. Plus, it actually does help one lose weight. That being said, Ultra Slim Fast does not make a good Christmas gift, because if you give it to someone—even if that person uses Ultra Slim Fast regularly—you are telling them, “You’re overweight! Lose some chub, fatty! Here’s some Ultra Slim Fast for ya, ya fat turd!” You should especially not give the gift of Ultra Slim Fast to a woman… you know how that will go over.

2) A can of beans
Legend has it that I am such a tightwad I once gave a girl friend of mine a can of beans for Christmas. That’s only partly true… actually it was a can of corn, and it was her birthday, not Christmas. I didn’t actually give her the can of corn as a gift; I cooked it for her as a meal. I guess she didn’t appreciate a can of corn as a meal, and she told all her friends about it and word spread around until it became legend that I gave her a can of beans for Christmas. Now that I’ve explained my side of the story, it does sound bad and you should never give anyone a can of beans—or corn, for that matter—as a Christmas or birthday present.

3) Porno mags
It should be considered to be in very bad taste to give anyone porno magazines as a Christmas gift. For starters, most people get their porn for free on the internet and have no use for the magazines. Secondly, it could be very embarrassing to receive porno mags as a Christmas gift when family members are present. Thirdly, it’s kind of like saying, “Hey you dirty old pervert, here’s some porno to add to your collection!” Even if someone does collect porno mags they probably would rather buy their own porn in private. So, do not under any circumstances give the gift of porno magazines at Christmas time. Porno comic books, on the other hand, are an acceptable gift. Porno comic books are a funny gag gift and everyone loves them. I know, I give porno comic books to my friends every year and they are always the hit of the Christmas party.

4) Sweaters
True fact: I have never in my life received a sweater as a Christmas gift that I actually ever wore. I know how it is—the people that gave me the sweaters thought they were nice sweaters and that I would like them and wear them. Truth is, they were nice sweaters, but I did not like them because they were not my style and they made me look like a dork. So, never under any circumstances should you give someone a sweater that you think is nice, because chances are the recipient will hate it and the sweater will end up in a box collecting dust. That’s where my Christmas sweaters reside.

5) A bunch of crap from the dollar store
I have an older brother who is even more of a cheapskate than I am, God love ’im! He likes to do his Christmas shopping at the dollar store where he will buy five or six items for each person on his Christmas list. You know—he goes for quantity over quality and he thinks that no one will suspect that the items only cost a buck a piece, except for the give-away that the items are usually very cheap and of low quality. It’s not hard to tell they didn’t cost more than a buck. Plus the fact that when he gives me these dollar store items for Christmas I always recognize them because I shop at the same gosh dang dollar store. But I do not shop at the dollar store for Christmas presents, I shop there for myself. So, do not give dollar store items as Christmas presents unless you want everyone to think you’re a cheapskate! (On the other hand, dollar store presents DO give you more presents to unwrap which can be a hit with young, unsuspecting kids.)

6) A photo of yourself
One year for Christmas I gave my girl friend a photograph of myself along with a cheap bottle of champagne. I thought it was a nice photo, and it was a nice photo. I had it done at a professional photography studio (for free with a coupon) and had a dozen 8” x 11” copies made. I was too cheap to put it in a nice frame so instead I glued it to a piece of cardboard. Needless to say, my girl friend did not appreciate the photo, at least not as a Christmas present. I think she later used it as a dart board. If you are such a narcissist that you insist on giving photos of yourself as Christmas presents, at least put the photo in a nice frame so that the recipient can ditch the photo and use the frame for their own photographs.

7) A roll of pennies
I used to think that giving little kids a roll of fifty pennies was a nice gift. I mean, the pennies were pretty and shiny and the kids could pretend they were gold bullion or pirate treasure, plus the gifts only cost me fifty cents a piece. Truth is, most kids these days will not appreciate a roll of pennies as a Christmas present. They want greenbacks—fives, tens, or twenties—that they can actually spend. If you give the gift of a roll of pennies to your nieces and nephews at Christmas they will call you “Uncle Pennybags.” That was my nickname for a number of years.

8) Used lotto tickets
I don’t mind getting Lotto scratch tickets as Christmas gifts—I think everyone can appreciate them—but please do not give away used Lotto tickets. You know, loser scratch tickets that have the gold latex stuff glued back on to make them look new. You ain’t foolin’ anybody. That is just in bad taste. I know, I’ve gotten a few of these before for Christmas, and I wasn’t fooled.

There you have it… the world’s worst Christmas gifts. Take my advice, learn from my mistakes, and you and yours will have a merrier time this holiday season.

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