So you’ve scored tickets to the big rock concert coming to the arena or hot rock club in your town. Tickets cost a pretty penny for the major rock shows these days, so you want to make sure you get the most bang for your buck and get the most awesome, most gnarly rock concert experience you can achieve. After all, you only live once… so without further ado, here are the top ten things to do at a rock concert, according to me—a highly trained rock concert professional and enthusiast—Paul Diamond Blow.

1) Get wasted before the show
You spent $100 dollars for the ticket to the big rock show, so the first thing to do before you enter the arena or club is to get thoroughly wasted on booze and drugs. This way you can ensure that you don’t actually remember the concert, but you will know you had an awesome time based on the size of your hangover the next day and the quality of the vomit on your bathroom floor. Later you can brag to all your friends, “I was so wasted, brah, I don’t remember the show! It was awesome!” To make sure you don’t sober up during the concert, buy some eight dollar PBR beers at the beer garden and take some tokes off the pipe the stoners are passing around. Just hope that’s not PCP in those pipes!

2) Hoist your girl friend on your shoulders
Here’s a real rock concert standard: if you are attending a rock concert with your girl friend, make sure that at some point in the night you hoist your girl up on your shoulders. It doesn’t matter that the 20 people standing directly behind you can no longer see the show; at least they have a nice view of your girl friend’s behind, and they won’t mind because they will understand that you are just “living the dream” and they will love you for it. It is also most awesome if—while hoisted on your shoulders—your girl friend follows rule number three…

3) Flash your breasts
We all know that part of a true rock concert experience is having drunk women flash their breasts. This is a fact of life. If you are female—and you are drunk or brave enough—flash your breasts at the band (who probably can’t see you at all due to the stage lighting) so that the rest of us in the crowd can gawk at your sweaty melons. Flashing your breasts at a rock concert will prove to your friends what a true rebel and wild woman you really are.

4) Hold your cigarette lighters in the air
Really, I don’t see enough of this anymore. Back in the day, holding your cigarette lighter in the air with thousands of other concertgoers was a highly spiritual and emotional experience. There was a true connection between the audience and the band thanks to the cigarette lighters. What happened—did everyone quit smoking? Or did bands just quit playing power ballads? I don’t know, but if you want for a true rock concert experience you must raise your cigarette lighter in the air for at least one song—preferably a power ballad. And I’m sorry, but hoisting your cell phone in the air is not an acceptable substitute. It’s got to be a real, genuine cigarette lighter with real, genuine flame.

5) Get in the mosh pit and kick ass
Getting in the mosh pit is mandatory if you are one of those thick neck, muscular jock types with tribal tattoos and buzz cut hair styles. You know who you are. The objective of moshing is to have a good time kicking the asses of the poor schmoes who are in the mosh pit, or any poor schmoe who is standing anywhere near the mosh pit. It is actually legal in twelve states to murder someone as long as it is done in a mosh pit. Throw some elbows, knock some skinny girls over, kick some ass. It doesn’t matter what kind of concert this is, you can even mosh at a smooth jazz concert because it’s not about the music, man, it’s about the moshing and the mayhem. It is also mandatory—if you are the thick neck, buzz cut, tribal tattooed type—to take off your shirt while moshing so that everyone around can see your sweaty, steroid-enhanced body. Ugh.

6) Take a dive off the stage
If you are able to make your way to the front of the stage, make sure you get your buns on stage for an authentic, genuine stage dive. Stage diving is an awesome way to display your individualism to the crowd and show your friends what a rowdy rebel you really are. Stage diving is also an awesome way to break bones—maybe your own bones, maybe someone else’s. It’s best to only stage dive when there are actually people in front of the stage; do not do this at a concert where there is no crowd. It hurts like holy heck to dive six feet off the stage onto a concrete floor. Then again, you are probably so trashed and wasted you will not feel any pain until later, so rock on with your bad self and take a dive! (Note: I know a punk rock singer who stage dove into the crowd and broke a girl’s neck. The same singer took a stage dive at another show and took his guitarist with him. The guitarist broke both his wrists in the fall. Now that’s metal!)

7) Crowd surf
If you are lucky, after your stage dive into the crowd, the crowd will “surf” you all the way to the back of the arena on a human wave, hopefully dropping you off near the restrooms where you can puke your guts out, since you are probably wasted on booze and drugs. Crowd surfing can be a spiritual experience, as you totally let go and trust the crowd of total strangers to pass your body through the arena. Just don’t get mad if you get groped along the way, and don’t be surprised to find at the end of the ride that your wallet is gone, your shoes are gone, your socks are gone…

8) Sing along with the songs
I love it when I spend top dollar to hear my favorite band play my favorite songs, but I cannot actually hear the band because there are ten thousand drunks and stoners singing along to every gosh danged song. I know… this is part of the rock concert experience and I should just accept it. So go ahead… it doesn’t matter if you cannot sing your way out of a paper bag, sing as loud and as proud as you can to every gosh danged song. It’s rock’n’roll and I love it. Sing, baby, sing.

9) Buy a band T-shirt
You already spent 50-100 dollars on the ticket for the rock show, now you must purchase a band T-shirt for another 25-50 dollars. Why does a typical concert T-shirt—which costs just a few dollars to produce—cost 25-50 bucks at the concerts? This is no ordinary street rag T-shirt, my friends. This is the “official tour” T-shirt and is worth it’s weight in gold! This T-shirt will be your souvenir for the night, proving to yourself and to your friends that you actually did attend the concert. This is especially important if you followed rule number one and were so trashed that you don’t actually remember being there. At least you have the “official tour shirt,” dude!

10) Stand directly in front of the PA
In order to totally achieve the rock concert experience to the extreme maximum, you must get as close to the stage as possible and stand directly in front of the PA speakers. There’s nothing like having 120 decibels of blaring rock music mere feet in front of your ear drums. This is most crucial for metal concerts, and throwing the devil horns will help alleviate the pain of your ear drums bursting. Bear in mind that you will only be able to do this at a few rock concerts before you are totally deaf. But what the hell, if your ears ain’t screaming like a banshee after a rock concert, you didn’t have a good time, dude!

There you go… now you all know what to do at the next big rock concert in order to have a guaranteed awesome time and a true rock concert experience. Bear in mind, I take no responsibility for any hearing loss, broken bones, hangovers, ER trips, or empty wallets if you followed my guidelines. Rock on, dudes!

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