The wit, wisdom, zen, and philosophy of Paul Diamond Blow.

The Top Ten Metal Albums of All Time (According to Paul Diamond Blow)
The Very Best of the Head Bangin' Classic Albums... Bang Your Head!

by Paul Ace Diamond "Huggy" Blow

Forget about today's nu-metal, death metal and crappy alternative-metal, this here list is the real metal, baby, yeah! The top ten metal albums of all time: the REAL METAL McDEAL!

Heavy metal will put hair on your chest, just ask Paul Stanley. Now, truthfully I don't listen to much heavy metal these days, in fact when I drive I listen to the "Smooth Jazz" radio station. I was never a real metal head, mostly I was a punk rock type. In fact, back in the day, the metal heads and punkers used to get in fights just over hair length. They really hated each other! Funny thing is, though, most punk rockers I've known were closet metal heads, and punk rock and heavy metal actually go together quite well. Some of the best metal I've heard has been by punk bands gone metal (Suicidal Tendendies, Corrosion of Conformity)...

But enough of my rambling. Here are the top ten heavy metal albums of all time, according to me, Paul Diamond Blow...

10) Jag Panzer, Ample Destruction
This album was released in 1983 and was Jag Panzer's first and best album. My brother had this album, and we gave it serious play whenever we geared up for the night's punk rock parties! The music is heavy and rocking, inspired by Judas Priest, and the lead singer ("the Tyrant") is hilarious (not on purpose)! The Tyrant sings the highest notes I've ever heard on a metal album, and his 12-inch studded wristbands (complete with nails) put this band over the top and on my list.

8) Mentors, You Axed for It
The Mentors were the funniest, sleaziest and probably the most offensive-to-women metal band ever, but the music actually really rips! Sickie Wifebeater is amazing on the guitar with his metal riffs and speedy licks, and El Duce's perverted vocals and lyrics are freaking hilarious! The Mentors did indeed wear executioners hoods while playing live, and this album contains the hooded-ones' best songs -- however the titles are so offensive that I cannot list them here. They say that El Duce died being hit by a train, but I think he actually died pulling a train!

8) Suicidal Tendendies, Lights, Camera, Revolution
Suicidal Tendencies started out as a skate-thrash punk band, but with this album evolved into total metal headbangers. Rocky George is fantastic on guitar with his amazing lead work, in fact his leads remind me of Warren DiMartini of Ratt. This album contains some of the heaviest riffs I've ever heard, and the lead off song "You Can't Bring Me Down" is a blazing fast crusher that sets the tone for the rest of the album. The only downside is that Mike Muir's lyrics are so danged depressing...

7) L.A. Guns, L.A. Guns
I was attracted to this band mostly because of their cool image: long black hair, tattoos, and lots of black leather. These guys were kind of the ying to Guns N Roses' yang down in L.A., and they are dirty, greasy, sleazy pretty boys. This was their first and best album, and the songs "Sex Action," "Electric Gypsy," and "One More Reason" are the standout tracks. After this album the Guns turned into a total buttrock band. The video for this album is pretty cool too...

6) Megadeth, Killing is My Business
Ex-Metallica guitarist and super-egomaniac Dave Mustaine's band, also a speed metal band. This was their first album and it RIPS hard! Very heavy and fast, it's one of the best speed metal albums ever made. Too bad Megadeth went downhill after this album...

5) Ratt, Out of the Cellar
This is bubblegum metal, sweet and boppy, with metal guitars, awesome leads (by Warren DiMartini), catchy hooks, and one of butt rock metal's best singers (Stephen Pearcy). Someone had the audacity to play "Round and Round" at a punk rock party once, and I was hooked I've been a big Ratt fan ever since (my friends all laugh at me for that). This is Ratt's best album, 'cause it contains their biggest and best hits: "Round and Round," "Wanted Man," and "Back For More."

4) Metallica, Kill 'em All!
I was a punk rocker when I first heard this album. My first reaction was, "I didn't know heavy metal could be so cool!" Indeed, this album turned me onto metal. This album was the one that really started the wave of speed metal bands, and of course Metallica were the absolute kings of speed metal. Metallica has matured now, what with their short haircuts and Italian suits, but I must say that they were one of the few metal bands that didn't turn lame after their first record.

3) Judas Priest, Best Of: Living After Midnight
I don't like to put "greatest hits" collections on my top ten album lists but in this case I must make an exception. Judas Priest have put out many an awesome heavy metal album throughout the years, but their "hits" (and my personal favorite Priest songs) have been collected on this here CD released in 1998. I'm talking the hits like "Hot Rockin'," "Living After Midnight," "Breaking the Law," "Electric Eye," "Heading Out on the Highway," and more! Yes, for the true masters of REAL metal I will bend over backwards and make an exception. Bang your head!

2) Motorhead, Ace of Spades
Gosh darnit all, this is the kind of metal I really love: fast, loud, raw and dirty! Motorhead ain't no pretty boys, no way. They play over the top, fast and loose RAWK that has inspired and been copied by many bands through the years. Lemmy is the official god of the bass, if you didn't know. This is Motorhead's finest album (featuring classics such as "Ace of Spades," "Love Me Like a Reptile," "Jailbait," and "We Are the Road Crew"), but of course, they never made a bad album!

1) Anthrax, Fistful of Metal
Anthrax's first and best album. This is total metal, baby! It's got the riffs, the metal beats, the high-pitched screamin' vocals, and even an Alice Cooper cover ("Eighteen"). This album totally blew me away the first time I heard it. It's just too bad that they got rid of the singer on this album (Neil Turbin), 'cause Anthrax went downhill without him, and they especially embarrassed themselves in the late '80s when they went "rap metal" complete with Adidas track suits and high top basketball shoes (sheesh!). But forget about that... I put this Fistful of Metal at number one on my list because this is what true METAL sounds like... The songs "Deathrider," "Soldiers of Metal," "Metal Thrashin' Mad," and "Death From Above" will rip you a brand new hole, and you will like it! In a perfect world this album would be required listening for anyone wanting to form a metal band.

So there you have it! 'Course, you probably noticed that all these albums were released back in the '80s, but hey that was the real decade of metal. If any of you out there are questioning why there is no Black Sabbath or Led Zeppelin on my list,... well, I'm just not a fan of "classic" heavy metal. Now go put on your 12-inch studded wristbands, play some Anthrax, and bang your head 'til your fillings pop out!

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